“I’m very comfortable. I’ve got the cushions just how I like them, plus I have a bourbon biscuit balanced on each knee and a cup of tea precariously resting on the arm rest. So please, can you bring them over? I said please. I can’t read the menu text without them.”

Sophie picked up four awards in the Home Office category. One to do with her efficiency and three based around her footwear choices.

“Did I leave the Sky box tuned in to Babestation?”

“Remember the rhyme, Naomi? If you can see the flash, your holding is gash.”

This “eco” business is being taken too far. The benefits of wearing plants for shoes will be more than outweighed by the increased CO2 produced by vacuuming the mud up from everywhere she’s been.

Before you get too excited, we hear this product display has been referred to the High Commission due to tabloid rumours that the lens flare effect is being used to hide a large dollop of super glue.

You could Photoshop it and edit the text to say anything, if you could be bothered. Like, it could say, “Widest Penis on 2nd Floor”.

“What’s for dinner? I’m starving! You two have had all day to rustle me up something nice!” “…”

“I don’t know what this guy is doing. It’s not even that dangerous. He’s waving his arms around as if he’s just conquered a ruddy great mountain” – Pete.