“Woo, yeah! Now stamp on his fingers while he’s on the floor! Hee hee hee! Now drop on his ribs with your knee! Yeah, hahaha!”

“Next demonstration at 11.30am, everyone. Bras, pants and trousers included this time. See them emerge clean at 12:55pm. Children get to set the dial for 50p.”

“Still a few faint stains around the neckline, but that’s OK as it’ll only get stained around the neckline again later today. PASS. Fold it and put it with the rest. NEXT.”

Stylish storage space for up to 32 assorted items (small) or 16 items (medium).

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” Copyright Michael McIntyre 2012.

“ITV3, BBC4, any of the music channels that come as part of your package, E4, BBC1 and BBC2, Channel 4, Channel 5… it can do pretty much all the channels.”

We believe this scans the faces of webcam users and checks them against those on the sex offenders register, giving parents a sense of security when their 13-year-old daughter is taking her first steps out into the world of live internet video chat.

“…states that you should never put all of your jumpers in the washing machine at the same time, otherwise you will indeed end up being cold. And no, you cannot snuggle up to me. Your physical presence continually nudges my elbows and makes using the internet slightly awkward.”

She would appear to be making notes of the things it says, so the evidence, no matter how bizarre it may seem, would suggest this is a robotic Korean teacher that comes pre-installed inside new-build homes.