Has there ever been a better product name than TELEFUNKEN MAGNETOPHON 204TS? No. No way. Well, perhaps in Germany but not over here. Better still, you can buy him if you like him. You could then marry him and change your name to Christopher TELEFUNKEN MAGNETOPHON 204TS.

“If you even so much as THINK about turning the heating on so you can stand there like that I swear I will go out and dig through the gas pipes myself. It’s the 9th of MAY and therefore never so cold that a jumper and some good socks can’t fix it. Still, glad to see you got my email about what should and should not go in the fridge.”

LG C100 Cheese Fridge. Chuck it in through the top swing lid, take it out of the bottom and apply to/put between toast when needed. Red one comes with a curved bottom for safely controlling tricky edams. Yellow operative available by special arrangement with local supplier.

No one’s showing off the back of the device, leading us to suspect this elaborate display has been designed to detract our attention from a proprietary operating system. 6/10.

Slicing off your thumb and two largest fingers while laughing about it.

She’s now cleared to move up to the trickier “woollen” category.

The left one makes the wafers, the right one applies the chocolate. Cut to size (attachment due Q3) for the ultimate in bespoke Kit Kats. But don’t do it on the carpet until you’ve got good at it.

“I suppose it’ll have to be eggs curry. Please tell me there’s rice in one of those containers.”

“…the very latest Printronic live greyscale adjustment sensors feeding out to a double redundant tray alongside in/out jam warnings with user-selectable notification tones and always-on low alert warnings monitored 24/7 by in-house logistics resulting in 99.8% guaranteed uptime when printing the representative average number of pages per day all backed by our two-year on-site maintenance plan and a 25% reduction in the cost of branded consumables when taking out a five-year warranty for the network-enabled variant delivered to you, Mike, for a low, low price of £129.99 ex-VAT.”

“…I mean, I usually have lobsters and watermelons, I wasn’t expecting… usually there are vegetables and water in here and… not just beer and cheese. Been a bit busy to get to the shops to buy my usual carrots and… the other fresh things that I usually eat all the time. This isn’t really representative of how I… live.”